Better Questions, Better Decisions: How To Improve Your Decision-Making Process
Dec 14, 2021
Our life hangs by the thread of our decisions. What we decide to do can change our lives either for the worse or better. How do you walk on this fine thread and make it to the other side unscathed? Gain clarity in this episode as Yanet Borrego teaches us how to improve our decision-making by doing one thing: asking better questions. She breaks down the three quick key questions you need to help you align yourself better with your values and the direction you most want to take. Join her as you walk towards the path of possibilities and not limitations, of abundance instead of scarcity, and of love instead of fear.
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Better Questions, Better Decisions: How To Improve Your Decision-Making Process
Our topic is about setting and enforcing boundaries, which is an exciting topic to talk about. Before digging into the content, I want to remind you that there is a free resource ideal for making decisions that lead to fulfilling outcomes. This is a huge clarity booster. If you are overwhelmed with options or if you are trying to make a decision that aligns with your values and who you are and you don't know where to start. You got to download this free resource. I promise that it's going to be super helpful because it has been to me and my coaching clients.
Going into that content of the episode. Let's talk boundaries. This is one of my favorite topics because I feel that a lot of people feel intimidated simply by that word boundaries and they even feel more intimidated when we talk about communicating boundaries and feedback. I always tell my coaching clients it's the whole opposite.
Communicating boundaries is an enabler to have more trusting and healthy relationships with each other. Wouldn't you like to know if you're violating someone's boundaries? Wouldn't that be nice to know now? Whenever we have a relationship with someone, it can be a friend, a manager, a romantic partner or a boss, it is important that we communicate what is important to us and how they can win with us because we would like the same from the other person.
Do you also establish that level of transparency and clarity in terms of what do they value on? What are the things that are our non-negotiables to them and what are the things that they would appreciate from us? It's a funny story. I had joined this corporate job and it was my first year. I was working on this project and was pretty new to it but I was highly involved. I was doing a lot of things.
Experiencing different initiatives is to learn what you like and don't like.
We had a client meeting who was my manager and me. We went to the client's office and I noticed that whenever he was presenting, it was all about communicating, “I did this slide and organization map.” Honestly, I got bolder because it wasn't me, it was we. I had built a lot of it and he was saying I but it was a combined effort. It was a team effort. At that time, I would have appreciated him for recognizing us as a team and I got bothered.
As we were walking from that client's office to our office, I remember thinking this is so important for me to communicate and I'm relatively new in this company. Should I communicate it? I wasn't sure and I decided to prioritize what I believed was important. Not only for me but the relationship between ourselves and with that client.
I remember walking next to him and I was like, "How do I bring this up?" The first thing that I said was like, "Adam, how do you think that meeting went?" He was like, "It went great. Great job." I asked him, "Do you have any feedback for me?" It’s because I wanted to open up the doors to communicate that I was open to feedback.
He was like, "I think you did great." I was like, "Cool." It is super important to always ask for permission. "Do you mind if I provide you with some feedback?" At this moment, I was really nervous. Remember that this was a person who was in a higher position than me and I do think that it doesn't matter what position we are in, we can always respectfully and clearly communicate what is important to us so we can all do better because no one is perfect. It doesn't matter how high up they are. No one is perfect and there is always an opportunity for growth. I told him, "Do you mind if I provide you some feedback?" He looked at and he's like, "Yes, please." He was so open to it and surprised at the same time.
I was like, "I noticed that there were a couple of times that whenever you were presenting, you were referring to you only." I gave you a couple of examples that were factually based on what happened there. I told him, "That made me feel not included and that I wasn't part of a team," because I was relatively new too, which made me feel this way.
First, I asked for permission. Second, I gathered the facts and third, I communicated how that made me feel. I also communicated the vision of a drive because I was like when we go to a client that client sees us as one company. They don't see us as Adam and Yanet. They just see us as one and we are here to provide support to that client, no matter what they're going through. That's what matters. The outcome of this project.
I put it back also on that vision of supporting the client because, at the end of the day, we were in that meeting to fully support that client in that project. Immediately after I communicated that he was like, "You're totally right. Please forgive me. I am so sorry." I also brought this up, "I want you to listen to me. I want to grow and know how to win with you on the client. Please, let me know how I can be better."
Start making decisions out of love and not out of fear.
It is important as we communicate feedback or communicate certain boundaries that we are also ready and open to receiving that feedback and maybe the boundaries communication from the other person. It is important to approach the situation with humbleness because whenever we have friction when we are receiving information, people tend to push back.
I love what one of my teachers does. He has someone during the training, raise their hand and then he pushes their hand and suddenly, that person pushes back unconsciously. It doesn't have to be even consciously. We have this unconscious behavior to whenever we're pushed against the wall, we are going to push back.
It is important to find a moment that you are in true connection with that person. A good moment. You don't want to necessarily give that feedback or that boundary whenever you are in high tension with a person and the same works for partnerships. One of my boundaries is whenever we are communicating and my boyfriend knows, “Let's talk about it. None of us would run away from the situation. Let's talk about it in a calm center bounds way, respect each other and get to an outcome, hopefully.” It is so important to communicate these boundaries with the people we love and we respect because that's how they can win with us.
A lot of times when people violate our boundaries, they didn't even know that was a boundary for us. We got to have that level of understanding, whenever that happens for the first time because if someone violates our boundary sometimes we may take it personally and we may think that they did it on purpose. How can they know I don't like this? That person is different than us. That person is in a different total world than us. He or she has different needs and values.
It is important to respect each other model of the world and if that person didn't know they violated a boundary, it is your responsibility to communicate that boundary to that person whenever that first violation of the boundary happens because it is a good place. If it happens a second time then that person cannot say, "I didn't know about it." You had communicated that already. At that moment, it is time to enforce the boundary.
This can be a little challenging and difficult whenever you're having a second conversation or the same thing with one person. You got to calibrate on the behavior of this person because the first time you have communicated the boundary and the second time that person has violated the boundary then know that it was a boundary.
I love what one of my favorite speakers and coaches, Tris Thorp says, “The second time that they know they violated that boundary, you got reinforce and communicate that boundary again and now with a consequence of what's going to happen if they do it for the third time.” This type of boundary that I'm referring to in the situation is non-negotiable. It is something that for you, it is black or white.
If the worst thing is possible, the best thing is also possible.
It is like a threshold value that for you if that person violates then it means being in the relationship or not. To summarize quickly. I know that was a lot of information. The first part is communicating the boundary. That is an enabler to have healthy and trusting relationships. How you communicate the boundaries is that you collect all the facts because you want to make sure that you're as objective as possible.
You might know you're never going to be objective because everything we experienced in the reality is filtered by our values, beliefs and past experiences but you collect the factual data as factual and objective as you can get and then when you're communicating to the person, the first thing you're going to ask is for permission. "Do you mind if I provide you with some feedback? Do you mind if we can have a conversation about some boundaries that I have, that you may have violated? Let's have that conversation."
You want to open the gates so that person is being included and taken into consideration, whatever they are going to say also. Whenever they say, “Yes,” you go directly to the facts. For example, in the conversation that I had with my manager at that time, "I noticed there were several times in that meeting that you made reference to me, not we." This is an example of it. If you have examples that are amazing and then you go to the fact. You got to recognize at some point that this is your own perception and your own interpretation. Your boundaries may not be their boundaries. A lot of times, it's different based on your beliefs and needs.
After communicating the fact, what you're going to say is, “This made me feel,” and then you take ownership for the feelings and emotions that came when those facts happened. It is important. I mentioned before that these types of conversations happen in a positive or neutral environment. You don't want to know when there is high tension. You want to know it with a person who is open to whatever you have to say and whatever value you need to bring into that relationship.
Wait for a moment. That is the right moment to have this conversation. First, ask for permission. Second, gather the facts. Third, communicate how those facts on how those events made you feel. Fourth, communicate what would you have liked instead. In my case was, "Instead of I, I would appreciate if we talk about our company as we because, at the end of the day, we are both delivering the project to our client and the client doesn't care, who is who as long as they have the deliver product." The next step is communicating what you wish to happen instead.
The last step is getting an agreement. "Does this make sense to you?" "It makes sense, totally cool." The last step is also asking for their feedback. “Is there anything you wish to tell me? Is there any feedback and any boundary that maybe I have violated and I haven't even realized it because I didn't know?” That question, my friends are going to build even more trust in this genuine relationship that you are building with this person.
That is the formula that I follow over and over with my managers in the past, my partner, my mother, my coaching clients and with everyone. I promise whenever you follow it to the T is successful. Remember boundaries are cultivating healthy relationships. I always leave you with this one question and the question is, "What boundary conversations have you been avoiding that if you have them, it will improve any relationship that you may be having?”
Be courageous. It is important that you start practicing this skill because it doesn't matter where you go facing the situations and recognizing that this is for the better of the relationship is important to have we mind. I hope this episode was super helpful for all of you and please apply the framework and let me know how it goes. I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.
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FREE Resources:
Starting your day without direction? Start your morning on purpose with my go-to 5 mins routine.
Need Clarity? 3 Simple Questions to boost your clarity and make authentic decisions that lead to fulfilling outcomes. You also have journaling space for each question so you can capture your insights.
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