Setting, Communicating, And Enforcing Feedback And Boundaries
Dec 21, 2021
It might be important to establish good relationships with the people around us but communicating boundaries that govern these relationships is also equally important. This is an awkward topic for many of us simply because we feel intimidated by the word “boundaries.” However, it is an important aspect of creating healthy and trusting relationships with others. In this episode, Yanet Borrego walks us through the process of setting, communicating, and enforcing boundaries, as well as providing feedback to the people we are relating to, whether professionally or personally. Tune in and learn one of the most under-applied principles of healthy relationships!
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Setting, Communicating, And Enforcing Feedback And Boundaries
Our topic is about boundaries, setting and enforcing boundaries, which is a very exciting topic to talk about. Before digging into the content, I want to remind you that there is a free resource I built about making the sessions that lead to fulfilling outcomes. This is a huge clarity booster if you are overwhelmed with options or if you are trying to make a decision that aligns with your values and who you are and you don’t know where to start. You got to download this resource. I promise that it’s going to be helpful because it has been to my coaching clients and me. Go there and download it. I promise it’s going to be very helpful.
Going to the content of this episode. Let’s talk boundaries. This is one of my favorite topics because I feel that a lot of people feel intimidated simply by that word. They even feel more intimidated when it comes to communicating boundaries and feedback. I always tell my coaching clients, “It’s the whole opposite.” Communicating boundaries is an enabler to have more trusting and healthy relationships with each other. Wouldn’t you like to know if you are violating someone’s boundaries? Wouldn’t that be nice to know?
It is important because whenever we have a relationship with someone, it can be a friend, a manager, a romantic partner, a boss. It is important we communicate what is important to us and how they can win with us because we would like the same from your person. You’ll also establish that level of transparency and clarity in terms of what they value? What are the things that are non-negotiable to them and what things that would they appreciate from us?
Communicating boundaries is an enabler to have more trusting and healthy relationships with others.
It’s a funny story. I had joined this corporate job and it was my first year. I was working on this project. I was new to it but I was highly involved. I was in a lot of things. We had a client meeting who was my manager and me. We went to the client’s office and I noticed that whenever he was presenting, it was all about communicating. “I did this. I did this slide. I did this organization map. I did this.” Honestly, I got bolder because it wasn’t I. It was we. I had built a lot of it and he was saying, I. It was a combined effort. It was a team effort. At that time, I would have appreciated him for recognizing us as a team. I got bothered.
I remember in my mind thinking as we were walking from that client’s office to our office, “This is so important for me to communicate. I’m relatively new to this company. Should I communicate it?” I wasn’t sure. I decided to prioritize what I believed was important not only for me but for the relationship between ourselves and with that client.
Now, I remember walking next to him and I was like, “How do I bring this up?” The first thing that I said is like, let’s call him Adam, “Adam, how do you think that meeting went?” He was like, “It was great. Great job.” I asked him, “Do you have any feedback for me?” I wanted to open up the doors to communicate that I was open to feedback.
He was like, “I think you did great.” It is important to always ask for permission. I was like, “Do you mind if I provide you with some feedback?” At this moment, I was nervous. Remember, this was a person who was in a higher position than me. I do think that it doesn’t matter what position we are in. We can always respectfully and clearly communicate what is important to us, so we can all do better. No one is perfect. It doesn’t matter how high up they are. There is always an opportunity for growth. I told him, “Do you mind if I provide you some feedback?” He looked at me surprised and he’s like, “Yes, please.” He was so open to it and surprised at the same time.
I was like, “I noticed that there were a couple of times that whenever you were presenting, you were referring to you only like, ‘I did this.’” I gave you a couple of examples that were factually based on what happened there. I told him, “That made me feel not included and I wasn’t part of a team.” I was relatively new too, “That made me feel this way.”
First, I asked for permission. Second, I gathered the facts. Third, I communicated how that made me feel. I also communicated the vision of it because I was like, “When we go to a client, that client sees us as one company. They don’t see us as Adam and Yanet. They see us as one. We are here to provide support to that client no matter what they’re going through. That’s what matters, the outcome of this project.”
I put it back also on that vision of supporting the client because, at the end of the day, we were in that meeting to support that client in that project fully. Immediately after I communicated that, he was like, “You’re right. Please forgive me. I am sorry.” I also told him, “Adam, I brought this up. I want you to do the same with me. I want to grow. I want to know how to win with you on the client. Please, let me know how I can be better.”
It is important as we communicate feedback or certain boundaries that we are also ready and open to receiving that feedback. Maybe the boundaries communication from the other person. It is important to approach the situation with humbleness because whenever we have friction when we are receiving information, people tend to push back.
I know what one of my teachers does. He has someone during the training raise their hand and he bushes their hand. Suddenly, that person pushes back unconsciously. It doesn’t have to be even consciously. We have this unconscious behavior to whenever we are pushed against the wall, we are going to push back. It is important to find a moment that you are in true connection with that person. A good moment. You don’t want to necessarily give that feedback or that boundary whenever you are in high tension with a person and the same words for partnerships.
One of my boundaries is whenever we communicate and my boyfriend knows, “Let’s talk about it. None of us will run away from the situation. Let’s talk about it in a calm, center-bounds way, respect each other and get to an outcome, hopefully.” It is so important to communicate these boundaries with the people we love and respect because that’s how they can win with us.
A lot of times, when people violate our boundaries, they don’t even know that was a boundary for us. We got to have that level of understanding whenever that happens for the first time because if someone violates our boundary, sometimes we may take it personally. We may think that they did it on purpose, “How can they know I don’t like this?” Guess what? That person is different from us and in a different total world than us.
What boundary conversations have you been avoiding? If you have them, it will really improve any relationship that you have.
He or she has different needs, different values. It is important to respect each other more in the world. If that person didn’t know they violated a boundary, it is your responsibility to communicate that boundary to that person whenever that first boundary violation happens because it is a good place. If it happens a second time, then that person cannot say, “I didn’t know about it.” You had communicated that already. At that moment, it is time to enforce the boundary.
This can be a little bit challenging and difficult whenever you’re having a second conversation or the same thing with one person. You got to calibrate on the behavior of this person because the first time you have communicated the boundary and the second time that person has violated the boundary, them knowing that it was a boundary. I love what one of my favorite speakers and coaches says, “To Restore.” He says the second time they know they violated that boundary, you got re-enforce and communicate that boundary again and now with the consequences of what’s going to happen if they do it for the third time.
This type of boundary that I’m referring the situation is non-negotiable. It is something that, for you, it is black or white. It is like a threshold value that, for you, if that person violates them, it means being in the relationship or not. To summarize quickly, I know that was a lot of information. The first part is communicating the boundary.
That is an enabler to have healthy and trusting relationships and how you communicate the boundaries is that you collect all the facts because you want to make sure that you’re as objective as possible. You might know you’re never going to be objective because everything we experience in reality is filtered by our values, beliefs and past experiences. You call it the factual data as factual and objective as you can get.
When you’re communicating with a person, the first thing you’re going to ask is for permission. “Do you mind if I provide you with some feedback? Do you mind if we can have a conversation about some boundaries that I have that you may have violated? Let’s have that conversation.” You want to open the gates so that person is being included and taken into consideration whatever they are going to say also. Whenever they say yes, you go directly to the facts. For example, in the conversation that I had with my manager at that time, “I noticed there were several times in that meeting that you made reference to me not we.” This is an example of it. If you have examples, that’s amazing. You go to a five.
You got to recognize at some point that this is your perception and interpretation. Your boundaries may not be their boundaries. A lot of times, it’s different based on your beliefs and needs. After communicating a fact, what you’re going to say is, “This made me feel,” and then you take ownership for the feelings and emotions that came when those facts happened.
It is important. These types of conversations happen in a positive or neutral environment. You don’t want when there is high tension. You want to know with the person who is open to whatever you have to say and whatever value you need to bring into the relationship. Wait for a moment. That is the right moment to have this conversation.
First, ask for permission. Second, gather the facts. Third, communicate how those facts and those events made you feel. Fourth, communicate. What would you have liked instead? In my case was, “Instead of I, I would appreciate if we talk about our company as we, because at the end of the day, we are both delivering the project to our client and the client doesn’t care who is who, as long as they have the deliver product.”
That is the next step, communicating what you wish to happen instead. The last step is getting an agreement. “Does this make sense to you?” It makes sense. The last step is also asking for their feedback, “Is there anything you wish to tell me? Is there any feedback? Is there any boundary that maybe I have violated and I haven’t even realized it because I didn’t know?” That question is going to build even more trust in this journey of relationship that you are building with this person.
That is the formula that I follow over and over with my managers in the past, my partner, my mother, my coaching clients, everyone. I promise, whenever you follow it to the T is successful. Remember, boundaries are cultivating healthy relationships. I always leave you with one question, “What boundary conversations have you been avoiding that if you have them, it will greatly improve any relationship that you may be having?” Be courageous.
It is important that you start practicing this skill because it doesn’t matter where you go. Facing the situations and recognizing that this is for the better of the relationship, it’s important to have in mind. I hope this episode was helpful for all of you. Please, apply the framework and let me know how it goes. I’ll see you soon. Bye, everyone.
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