The Cure To People Pleasing

People pleasers are often agreeable, kind, and helpful. The downside of people pleasing can be detrimental to oneself. In this episode, Yanet Borrego explores the idea of people pleasing and how it affects you. She also shares tips to overcome people pleasing with vulnerability and authenticity. Join Yanet in this insightful episode and explore the cure to people pleasing.

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The Cure To People Pleasing

I'm so excited about this episode’s topic because it's all about people-pleasing. It's the number 1 to 2 struggle that high-achieving women and men struggle with, mainly women, to be honest with you. I'm going to talk about this because it's something that I've noticed with myself earlier on but I still have some of these subconscious self-sabotaging patterns pop up every and then. I've also seen it consistently with my coaching clients and other high-achieving women. I'm here to talk about how to cure and overcome these people-pleasing patterns that are stopping you from fulfilling your potential and truly becoming who you're meant to be and who you are at the core.

I want to start this episode with this story because it always comes back to this story for me. I remember reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle and this was a few years back. I was still in my last corporate job working as a consulting manager. We had an ongoing book club in my immediate team. We would take turns to recommend different books and I recommended this one, Untamed by Glennon Doyle. It's at the beginning of the book, I don't remember well, but there is a moment in the book when she's describing this scenario.

She has two kids, if I remember well, and there was one day that they were having a gathering with other kids in her house. She was asking the kids what they wanted to eat. They were in the living room and the kids were separated. All of the females were sitting together, playing. All of the males were playing a video game together, watching TV, or something like that.

Whenever she asked, “What do you want to eat,” to everyone, the boys kept looking at the TV or the video game’s screen and answered immediately. She offered two options, pizza or tacos, pizza or pasta, or something like that. Whenever the boys heard this question, they immediately said what there was in their mind. They didn't look around. They kept playing or watching the TV and answered without any hesitation. Whenever the girls heard this question, they started looking around for validation to see what the other girls and the boys wanted before answering this question.

I always think of this story because this is such a powerful example of how women, earlier on, were programmed to make decisions in the community. Those girls before answering the question were looking for validation but also looking to make sure that there was a consensus before thinking about their own needs only. The boys were very different. Boys checked within themselves and said whatever they had in mind. They didn't look around. They went directly for the answer based on their needs.

People Pleasing

Seeking consensus and being a community is a positive but seeking that validation becomes unhealthy when we start disconnecting from ourselves, honoring our needs, and getting to know who we are at the point that we stop speaking our truth to please others. We start hiding our needs and truth to please others. We start entering these self-sabotaging patterns, these patterns of people-pleasing. This is so important to tackle because I truly believe that people-pleasing is also the root cause of Imposter syndrome, self-doubt, or lack of confidence like not knowing yourself.

Seeking consensus and being a community is positive. But seeking validation becomes unhealthy when we start disconnecting from ourselves and stop honoring our needs.

I used to be a people pleaser. Sometimes, I still have these patterns that I have to be conscious of. I have to take intentional steps to overcome them. To be honest with you, we're going to be overcoming a lot of these patterns in life. This is a lifelong process. I always say there is not a healed but there is a healing. Even though I've healed a lot of these patterns, they still pop up every now and then. That is super important to notice.

One of these patterns that started popping up was when I made the decision to quit my corporate job after eight years in the industry. I wanted to pursue my purpose and passion of becoming a full-time speaker and coach, which is what I've been doing for years. This is truly what I love at my core. Something about me that I've learned from past experiences is whenever I have a big decision, I want to make it first within myself and then communicate it to others without seeking validation or permission. I'm just informing others. For me, it was important that I had my husband and mom bound into this decision because it was going to affect them. It is important to seek that alignment.

I truly believe that the people in your life love you so they are going to support you but it's also important that you show up with coherence and congruence when you're speaking about your decisions. If you're speaking about this decision that you already made within yourself with doubt and you don't know with indecisiveness, then you're asking for permission.

Before having a conversation with my manager that I wanted to quit, I remember making the decision within myself. As I was making this decision, I started having these people-pleasing patterns, which I truly believe is normal if you care about the people that you work with and the environment that you are in. I truly loved the people that I was working with and the company that I was working in. I started thinking, “How am I going to leave my team by themselves?”

I was also working on a thought leadership blog post with one of my mentors. We were almost done but not there yet. I started thinking, “How am I going to leave this company and leave him and the team by themselves? Is that fair to them?” These were people-pleasing patterns seeking to prioritize other people over what I thought was the greater good, which is me quitting and becoming a full-time coach and speaker.

I remember thinking to myself, “First, I have to be loyal to the foundation,” which is me. I love that I'm thinking about all of these people but let's be honest. In Corporate America, everyone is replaceable. This is something that I learned earlier on in my career. It sounds brutal but it is true. Everyone can be replaced. That's why systems are there and there is a recruiting system. They'll survive without you. At that moment, I reminded myself, “I need to be in integrity with myself and loyal to myself. First of all, I have to make a decision that I believe is the greater good of everything, everyone, and myself.”

For me, it was a decision to truly make decisions aligned with my purpose and driven by love and aspiration of doing something greater with my life and serving people, instead of the fear of disappointing others. When we talk about people pleasing, there is a very important question to ask yourself. What are you willing to risk? What is scarier for you? Is it to lose yourself completely or disappoint people?

People are going to be disappointed anyway, not because you do it intentionally. Human behavior subconsciously, and this happens to all of us, is wanting people to think, feel, and behave as we do. I'm not saying we do it intentionally but subconsciously, we feel attracted to commonalities. Subconsciously, we feel attracted to people who feel, think, and look like us. That's why subconscious bias in the world of inclusion and diversity is a very important topic.

For me, it was so important to stay true to who I was, stay integrity to who I was, follow my gut, and start making decisions out of love, which is the most courageous thing you can do in your life. It's not easy. I quit my 6-figure corporate job that I have been doing for 8 years. I have worked with all these amazing people and companies. I had to let go of that identity to step into who I truly was and who I wanted to be.

I love it because that's exactly what I do. I coach high-achieving women to live a life of clarity, confidence, and courage so they can fully tap into their potential. They often struggle with these people-pleasing tendencies. What I'm noticing myself and what I've noticed with my clients is many times, these tendencies come from our childhood and upbringing. Psychologists have proven that 95% of our belief systems, baggage from the past, and values are programmed from age 0 to 7 years old when we are not even fully conscious. We are pure subconscious minds walking. We are like sponges absorbing everything.

I remember a client that I have. She would often struggle with saying no to people. She would accept any scope increase in her work to the point that she was very close to burnout. She couldn't say no. After we dug deeper, understood better, and asked the right questions, we discovered that in her childhood, saying no meant that she was going to get punished. Saying no is equal to pain. She didn't want to feel pain and she wanted to protect herself so she kept saying yes.

For that reason, she would go above and beyond to please others but in the process of pleasing others, she would sacrifice her wellness, happiness, fulfillment, sleep, and everything. Saying yes to her and many people that I've worked with or talked to is what's behind the people-pleasing pattern. Saying yes to her meant that she was going to be accepted and loved.

Behind every people-pleasing pattern, it's the need to feel validated and loved. Many times, we have this subconscious limiting belief that we are not worthy of love and we are not enough. We need that external validation from the outside, instead of digging deeper and seeking that validation and belonging on the inside. For her, saying yes to everything meant that she was being obedient and was fitting in.

This was embedded very deeply within her. We had to do a lot of subconscious reprogramming work with neuro-linguistic programming techniques that I use. That's when she started breaking through that pattern, showing up as her authentic self, and truly honoring her needs, setting boundaries, and learning how to communicate authentically from a place of love. I'm from a place of kindness, instead of a place of scarcity and fear.

Behind any people-pleasing pattern is a desire to be loved, accepted, and seen as enough, competent, and smart but this is a vicious cycle. That acceptance and love will be temporary when it's coming from the outside until you start finding that love and acceptance within yourself. When you do that, you start letting go of these self-sabotaging patterns and speaking up your truth. That's when truly you start living in integrity with yourself.

Find that love and acceptance within yourself to let go of these self-sabotage patterns and start speaking your truth.

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If this episode resonates with you, I invite you to work with me in my private one-on-one coaching. It is a six-month container where I help you go from playing small, not believing in yourself, struggling with Imposter syndrome, and inconsistency and indecisiveness to having the clarity, confidence, and courage to follow through with your dreams.

When you work with me as a private client, the first thing we do is guide you through an in-depth breakthrough session where we get very clear on all of the blind spots that have been preventing you from achieving your goals. We become aware of those and release them at the subconscious level with proven techniques. I provide you with accountability. I'm like a GPS for you to find the resources and the answers that are already within you. You are powerful.

Kim, one of my coaching clients said, “Through working with Yanet, I've been able to radically shift my mindset in a way I never thought was possible. Each day, I wake up feeling excited about my future and believing in my potential.” If you're ready to believe in your potential, take action, and see progress with all of your dreams and goals you have been delaying, this is your time. I invite you to schedule a clarity call. I can't wait to meet you. See you soon.

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I was listening to a podcast interview with this doctor, Dr. Gabor Maté. I love him so much. He specializes in childhood development but he does much more than that. He specializes in trauma. He has studied a million things. He's a very wise person. He was explaining how people-pleasers are at a higher risk of developing burnout and not only that. It was found in a study that people-pleasers were more prone to develop diseases in their physical body because they often suppress their gut.

When I say the gut, I mean two things, their gut feeling and gut emotions, when it comes to behaving and showing up authentically. The gut is where all of the immune system processes are happening. In your system, biologically, it’s where all of your protection mechanism, which is the immune system, is strengthening so you can fight diseases and anything else that happens to your body.

When you start suppressing that gut, which has many functions, including being connected to your intuition, you start compromising your immune system and that also leads to diseases. Everything is connected, mind, body, emotion, and energy. All of that is one. Also in my coaching with my clients, I love looking at the individual as a holistic person, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. All of it is interconnected.

In this study, he explained how people-pleasers with scientific data found that they had more autoimmune diseases. They would face burnout often and it was because they couldn't express their needs and truly who they were. That's such an important thing to address because the biggest purpose in life is to shop authentically. The biggest healing and transformation work we have to do in this life is to peel the layers of what we have been taught and what we have to be like. We have to start embodying who we truly are.

The Cure To People Pleasing

The cure to people-pleasing is authenticity. It’s you showing up as yourself, communicating your needs, being your light, standing in your power, unlearning what you have been taught to believe, and learning that you are enough. The second cure, which is very much related to authenticity, is vulnerability. Why vulnerability? To be authentic and be truly yourself, you have to be so vulnerable. You have to let go of the perfectionist pattern personality and identity within yourself because none of us are perfect.

Invulnerability is where there is a connection between yourself and other people. We spend so much time trying to hide those spots within ourselves where we show up imperfectly but there is no one to be perfect. This is a losing battle. This will illustrate the connection between authenticity and vulnerability. If you're not following me on LinkedIn or Instagram, please follow me because this is related to that.

Sometimes on social media, I love posting vulnerable stories. It was International Women's Day on March 8th, 2024 and I posted a vulnerable story and a little bit controversial in the way that my point of view in that post was about self-empowerment and taking radical responsibility for your emotional baggage from your past experiences instead of blaming the system. That can be an unpopular opinion.

Let's be honest. It's a lot easier to blame the system and be like, “I'm like this because of this person or country,” than to take responsibility for yourself and be the change you wish to be in the world. It's a lot harder to do the second one, to be like, “Let me focus on what I can control. Let me be empowered and show up like I want others to show up.” That's the approach that is less traveled and the one that I truly, truly stand for.

That's the only thing we have control of. We don't have control of the system and all of these stories that we spend so much energy and time focusing on. The only thing we have control of is ourselves. When we start showing up like we want the system and everyone else to show up, that's when we start changing things from the inside out. I was posting this post on LinkedIn and Instagram. I'm like, “I'm so nervous. What will people think? I'm sure this will ruffle some feathers.” I was freaking out but deep within myself, I was like, “This is authentic to me. This is what I stand for. This is my voice. This is how I shine the light.”

One of the most important values for me is integrity with myself and making sure that I do things with the motivation to serve and the inspiration to spread more love and empowerment. I decided to post it because I didn't want to not speak up. It's important to speak up and be authentic but in that authenticity, there was so much vulnerability because I didn't know how others would see me and respond. One of the people that I shared the post before posting it was like, “You don't talk about the system enough.” It was her opinion and perspective.

I did tell her respectfully and kindly that my focus and voice were about self-empowerment, focusing on what we can control. I was trying to get that validation before I made that post. One of the people that I shared it with, in a way, wasn't opposing it but she was a little bit moved that I was not talking about what she would talk about. That's what I needed, that kind of opposition to be like, “No. I would talk about this differently.”

Once I got that opposition, my gut feeling, authenticity, and integrity within myself kicked in. I was like, “Yanet, you got to go for it because this is you. This is authenticity. In authenticity, there is so much vulnerability.” I could have decided to go the other way and say, “I was right. This is going to cause some tension with some people. I want to be liked by everyone. I'm not going to post it.” I could have gone the people-pleasing route but I knew better. It feels so much better to do what you believe in and deal with anything that happens.

What is going to happen? You're going to disappoint some people? Great. That's what we are here for. We are here to share a diversity of perspectives and experiences. What other people think and feel when you're being authentic and you're operating out of love and service is none of your business. If they have a problem, they can talk to you and you guys can have a conversation. The cure to people-pleasing is authenticity and vulnerability.

I want to make sure because I like to take everything into action. That's what coaching is about and that's why I'm a coach. With action, that's where transformation and results happen. I wanted to give you a couple of tips on how you can overcome people-pleasing as you stand in your authentic, vulnerable, and powerful self. This is based on clients whom I’ve had, situations that I've seen when I'm coaching them, and situations that I've had myself that are very important to address as examples. It gives you approaches that you can experiment with.

What we want to feel whenever we are experimenting with these approaches is a sense of being proud of ourselves that we were courageous after doing this. Before you're going to feel nervous, you're going to try to get out of the situation. I want you to keep going and honor what you truly feel is right because, in the end, you're going to feel so much better. When I posted that, I was nervous. I had all the stories that I made up in my mind but in the end, I was super proud that I was able to follow through and honor who I am as a person. What we're here for is to connect authentically.

Here are a couple of examples of overcoming people-pleasing and honoring who you are authentically and vulnerable. The first one is this one. When you exhibit these people-pleasing patterns, sometimes it comes when someone is asking you a question. For example, “Do you want to come to my event or birthday party that is on Saturday? If you're at work, is it okay if you do this and take on this extra responsibility at work?” If you're owning a business, maybe a client that you don't want to work with anymore is asking you to work with them.

It’s whenever someone asks you a question but deep within yourself, you know that you are not ready to answer yet and you're a recovering people pleaser like I was. The people-pleasing pattern is to immediately say yes. “Yes, I'll go to your birthday party. Yes, I'll take that extra responsibility. Yes, I'll take you as a client,” or whatever that is. I want you to stop yourself. When someone asks you a question like this that you are not sure about the authentic answer, it's okay to pause and tell the person, “I'm not ready to answer that question or I need to take more time and I'll get back to you.”

It's okay to pause. Allow that silence to happen so you can truly connect to your inner voice and then answer the question. That is the number one strategy technique that I want you to fully adopt. Allow yourself to pause more when you're not sure about a question that you're being asked and you want to make sure that you're showing up authentically. It's super important that you get back to that person.

Another sneaky form of people-pleasing is never facing that person again and disappearing, which is not good at all. You are not practicing being vulnerable, authentic, and courageous. You make sure you show up again for that person and tell them what the response is about. It's never okay to ghost or disappear and never answer. Make sure you're following up with that person. That is related to also setting boundaries and communicating feedback. Having conversations like human beings, sometimes they are not the most comfortable conversation.

I was coaching a client on setting boundaries. We were talking about the whole purpose of setting boundaries is to develop healthier and better relationships. You say, “I'm so sorry. I have so many things going on. I cannot go to a birthday party but I wish I could have gone,” and you mean that authentically. Having someone on the other side who says, “I understand. No worries. I'm not taking it personally,” you feel more encouraged to be yourself. We cannot expect that that person is always going to respond that way. The best people in your life are going to respond well to your authenticity, as long as it's coming from a place of love and kindness.

It's okay to say no to people, set boundaries, and have direct communication with people, mainly the ones that sometimes you are scared to have. How you overcome people-pleasing is by practicing these concepts and examples that I'm giving you. Sometimes, a situation might happen. For example, when I was in corporate, I experienced situations like being in meetings where I wanted to say something and I didn't say it, or being in a one-on-one conversation when I wanted to say something and I didn't say it. In romantic relationships, it happens too, like with my husband. Sometimes, people-pleasing patterns take over and I'm like, “I wish I said that. That's in more integrity with myself.”

If that happens, you know it because you're going to start feeling resentment within yourself. You were not authentic to yourself. Your mind may bring this up over and over again. If you're experiencing these thoughts of what you could have said or done over and over, I want you to give yourself permission to take action on it. Go back and say the thing you couldn't say at that moment but that you want to say now. Do the thing you didn't do at that moment but that you need to do now. It's never too late to have these conversations or communicate how you feel and who you are at the deepest level. Sometimes, we're like, “The conversation happened last week. It doesn't matter.” No, it matters.

I coach a client on this. If it's coming to you, that's your intuition communicating. I have this rule that if something is coming into my mind more than three times, I have to take action on it. That's your inner guidance telling you, “Do something about it,” and you keep ignoring it. You start building that pattern that you cannot trust yourself. It's never too late. It's okay to change your mind. Give yourself permission to do that, go back to that person or conversation, and show up with authenticity and vulnerability.

It's okay to change your mind. Permit yourself to do that.

Related to that is the last strategy that I wanted to give you, which is around speaking up, even if it's in your relationship, whether it's in a work meeting or with a client. I've had this with clients. Sometimes, something comes to mind and I don't say it immediately. I'm like, “I need to make sure that next week, tomorrow, or whenever, I bring this up with the person.” It strengthens every single relationship. It's so important to speak up.

I want you to ask these questions as you are assessing whether or not you think you should speak up, which happens to many people-pleasers and happens to me every now and then. I want you to ask yourself, “What would happen if I speak up?” In my case, whenever I was in corporate meetings, I didn't want to speak up because I had an accent. I wanted to fit in, make sure I belonged, and make sure people were comfortable. That's the story I was telling myself.

What would happen if I speak up? I feel courageous. Every time I spoke up in a meeting and I was afraid, I felt courageous. I felt I had a voice and I belonged. Ask yourself too, “What would happen if I don't speak up?” I keep validating to myself that I'm not enough and I don't belong. What are you going to choose? I've had many clients say, “I'm afraid that if I speak up, people are going to think that I'm not smart.” These clients are geniuses and super smart. That's a story that we keep telling ourselves.

Speaking up is about collaboration, not about being perfect or the expert. We are here on this earth to collaborate and share ideas, stories, and examples. That's where creation comes from. How can we not create and do better if we are not sharing our opinions and experiences? It's so important that you speak up in whatever context this is resonating with you.

Even after five minutes of you speaking up, people will forget what happened in that meeting. Sometimes, we think that the world revolves around us and everyone is going to be thinking about what we said after the meeting or the conversation with our partners. Let's be honest. Everyone is so distracted all the time that they're going to stop thinking about us in less than five minutes.

When I first started working in the corporate world, I had this manager who told me something. At the moment, I was like, “This guy is mean and crude.” Now that I've matured and evolved more and I'm way more open-minded, I'm like, “He was right.” This was my first year after graduating from Chemical Engineering. This manager told me, “Yanet, the world does not revolve around you.” I'm like, “You could have been a little bit more polite or kind.” When I look back, I'm like, “What a powerful lesson. It's so true.” Thank God the world doesn't revolve around me.

We have plenty of opportunities to mess up and be imperfect. I want to leave you with this thought. The one person that you need to get permission from is yourself. Stop seeking permission from others. Whatever you think at any given moment, you are way more than that. You're enough. You belong. You're smart. You are a powerhouse. You're powerful and empowered. That's why you're reading this episode. You're here to continue discovering yourself and tapping into your purpose and potential.

I hope this episode on the cure to people-pleasing was super insightful for you. If you found it helpful, please share it with your friends and family. Leave us a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever. Thank you so so much. I cannot tell you enough every week how much I appreciate you. I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. I'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

Important Links

• Untamed
• Clarity Call
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• Spotify - With Clarity and Purpose
• Apple Podcasts - With Clarity and Purpose
• https://www.YBCoaching.com/testimonials